Another talk with my boss this morning. He walked in to see how I was doing. We ended up talking about who I should tell that I’m taking it easier at work. I don’t want to tell anybody, really. I figure nobody needs to know, as long as what needs to get done does get done, and I surely want to be able to do that.
My way of dealing with this is to pretty much tell only those that HAVE to know, and in this case that would be my boss, and then continue on working. I would go home earlier if I wanted to, or start a little later, and owe no one any explanations. That would be easy, seeing as I’ve got a solo job with no-one checking my agenda to see what I’m up to.
But…. my boss does not agree. He feels I need to tell more people so that they can be kind and considerate and be understanding if I do end up running behind in my work, or not getting things done. Ooooohhhh man. The thought of more people knowing, of realizing that I’m weak and incompetent (because however much I justify this, I still feel that way), I find it soooo hard to accept. I don’t want to be the pitiful person who can’t handle stress. Not after all these years of dealing with everything. I don’t want every conversation I have to start with “how are you feeling today?”. I don’t want to have to feel unsure if people really care or if they’re only asking because they have to. I don’t want to turn into a pathetic person who always has something going on. I’m scared of being labelled als weak and needy.
My boss put it the other way. Accept the help you’re offered he said. You know and I know you have to do the work yourself. And that is entirely true. There’s no magic button to press here. There’s nothing I can try that I havn’t tried before which has worked for a little while but has then had me end up in the same place as now.
Oh lordy. It looks like I need to accept that I do need help. And learn to accept kindness and not feel guilty or needy because of it. Accept the fact that I’ve reached some kind of limit as to what I’m capable of dealing with all on my lonesome. Time to let people in, let them see beyond the facade of the strong, independent, hard-working, conscientieus woman that I am at work, to see the tired, wornout, insecure wreckage that I am everywhere else. I exaggerate only a little.