Category Archives: thoughts

Nary a moment

There’s nary a moment to be found to sit behind this machine in comfort and peace, without the “fear” that someone will be looking over my shoulder, wondering what I’m doing. While there’s so much going on that it would be lovely sit and digest it now and again.

Night on the town with Herman was good. We played a relationship game, a card game that I ripped out of a Psychology magazine. One with different questions, thoughtful ones or amusing ones. Made for good conversation. We played this during dinner. Though it may sound weird or forced, in our relationship a game instigates conversation that otherwise would just peter out. Because my hubby and I have such differing interests, sometimes it feels like we’re a staid old couple with nothing to say to each other.
We went to a movie later, a dutch one, not to be recommended. But it was fun to complain about it together!

Coming home was hard for me. I tend to feel overly responsible for the family, according to many. This may be true. Again, this is a responsibility that weighs heavily on my mind, but may not seem as evident in my actions. Because really, action wise I often feel like I only do the bare minimum that motherhood entails. An ongoing issue in my mind anyway.
A little crisis here and there kept the adrenaline and the tears flowing. It kind of feels like a roller coaster lately as far as differing circumstances go!
Now I must be off to a new years churchly ceremony at Hermans work.



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I was up at four this morning, couldn’t sleep any more.

Worries about the four kids in my house running through my mind. Nighttime is the worst for worries, isn’t it? Somehow the dark and the sense of timelessness makes things worse instead of beter. Once daytime comes it often feels like light is literally shed in the dark corners of the mind, making the worries flee. Sometimes to even darker recesses, where they linger and return the night after, but sometimes they’re gone.

I hope they will be gone today.

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New Years Resolutions

I saw this comic strip on my friend Dori’s blog and it really rang a bell.

Because the first three pictures are exactly what my resolutions were/are (just replace meditation by prayer). But the fourth, that one made my heart do a little leap. Not that I want to go out and ride a motorbike, but the freedom it envisaged, that really did do the trick.

So that’s my new years resolution. To implement the first three to facilitate the fourth.

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A bit of this and that

It’s almost two and I’m still in my bathrobe! I almost feel ashamed, but not quite.

Our logee, or guest child, is coming “home” today. Leaving her family home to come to ours. Christmas hasn’t worked out well for her. I think the best therapy for her would be to bundle her up and wrap her up against my body as if she were a baby and then carry her around until she feels safe. Only problem is she’s 6 foot tall and 19 years old!

It’s sad and worrying to see how she suffers in her head with things that defy logic. I hope the relative safety of our home will give her some comfort.
Despite the sometimes worrying aspects, she’s also a joy to have around. Somehow our family becomes more of a family when we have a guest. Guests often bring out the best in us. And this girlie is a sweetheart. Able to make us laugh and smile no matter what the circumstances, God bless her.

I think it’s pretty amazing that God can use something as flawed as our own family to mean something to someone else. He’s cool that way!

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Inside my head

Inside my head is a world of its own. Chaos, sometimes. Order, other times.
I’ve been getting my head screwed with for a couple of months now, by a therapist with the charmingly old fashioned name of Lambert. Yes, Lambert.

Lambert has had me bored because he tends to talk a lot. But Lambert has also managed to mess with my head in such a way that I’ve actually changed some habits, and (most frighteningly of all) he has made me cry. Or rather, helped me cry.
Which is not a bad thing, I’m discovering.

Today I came up with the enlightened statement that I may just permit myself to take the advice that I often offer to others. Be yourself, cry if you need to, mourn your losses. There’s no shame in that! No shame in letting the world see your sadness. You don’t have to be perfect, you are good just the way you are.
And God? He really is a safe place to fall. He really truly is. I may not understand Him (and do I really want to?) but He is a soft place to fall.

Amen to that!

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I’m sitting by the computer watching the snow. It’s windy outside and the snow is light and dusty, so I can see exactly which way the wind is gusting. It’s quiet, all I can hear is the sound of the heater. Snow brings a special kind of silence to the world, all regular noises are dimmed and fade away.

My boy should be coming home today. I’m guessing the people he’s staying with won’t be too happy with the drive. But I’ll be happy to see him. With his sister being gone, we have some more time together. To spend watching Lost, season 5. Or to spend going to my brother in laws, to watch the newest Star Trek movie on huge screen. To make him a snack pack, as he likes to call it, when he watches a movie on tv. And to sit next to him, hoping he will rest some part of his body against mine, as cuddling seems to be viewed as something awful.

I will maybe grab another cup of coffee, and put on some Christmas music and bless the peace and quiet that is enveloping this house, for as long as it lasts.

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Thinking about cookies

I bought a kilo of dates in the store today and have been thinking about cookies. I remember last year I made some cookies for my international friends and am pondering doing the same this year. It’s an american sentiment, I believe, baking cookies for Christmas and handing them out. One I like though!
Freshly baked anything is somewhat of a rarity here. But baking is my creative outlet.
Maybe I will make some for Christmas Eve, which we will spend at my parents. I think there should be at least one or two who will appreciate it!

Have I mentioned that Christmas and New Years will be spent without my girlie? She’s in Hungary, visiting her boyfriends family. It’s an odd feeling, not having her around.
And have I mentioned that we have a new girlie in the house? A friend in need, who will be sleeping here for a couple of nights a week while she follows therapy for her eating disorder at a clinic here in my town. It feels good to have her here. Like I told her once, after she said that she feels at home here; “You make our home more of a home with your prescence”. And it’s true. Having a guest, even a live-in guest, often brings out the best in all of us.

And there’s so much more to tell. It’s been a busy busy while since I’ve written here.

Maybe there will be more to tell tomorrow.

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