Inside my head is a world of its own. Chaos, sometimes. Order, other times.
I’ve been getting my head screwed with for a couple of months now, by a therapist with the charmingly old fashioned name of Lambert. Yes, Lambert.
Lambert has had me bored because he tends to talk a lot. But Lambert has also managed to mess with my head in such a way that I’ve actually changed some habits, and (most frighteningly of all) he has made me cry. Or rather, helped me cry.
Which is not a bad thing, I’m discovering.
Today I came up with the enlightened statement that I may just permit myself to take the advice that I often offer to others. Be yourself, cry if you need to, mourn your losses. There’s no shame in that! No shame in letting the world see your sadness. You don’t have to be perfect, you are good just the way you are.
And God? He really is a safe place to fall. He really truly is. I may not understand Him (and do I really want to?) but He is a soft place to fall.
Amen to that!
I’m sitting by the computer watching the snow. It’s windy outside and the snow is light and dusty, so I can see exactly which way the wind is gusting. It’s quiet, all I can hear is the sound of the heater. Snow brings a special kind of silence to the world, all regular noises are dimmed and fade away.
My boy should be coming home today. I’m guessing the people he’s staying with won’t be too happy with the drive. But I’ll be happy to see him. With his sister being gone, we have some more time together. To spend watching Lost, season 5. Or to spend going to my brother in laws, to watch the newest Star Trek movie on huge screen. To make him a snack pack, as he likes to call it, when he watches a movie on tv. And to sit next to him, hoping he will rest some part of his body against mine, as cuddling seems to be viewed as something awful.
I will maybe grab another cup of coffee, and put on some Christmas music and bless the peace and quiet that is enveloping this house, for as long as it lasts.
My parents surprised us this year, with a big Christmas gift. Actually the request for a gift list for a substansial amount of money. I had the hardest time thinking of what I wanted. Until it hit me… Books of course!
So I compiled a list of books. The last two books written by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Somehow I never have read those! And a couple of books by LM Montgomery. I loved her Anne of Green Gables series, and have often seen that she’s written a lot more.
I’m looking forward to my package of books, ones I’m sure to love.
Today I was at “home” helping my mom out in the kitchen. She and my dad are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary tonight. I wandered into my dads office at one point, where he had safely sequestered himself. Since their move back they have reclaimed all their boxes and packages from all over the place and have really made this little house theirs. That includes books, lots of them! It’s the books that make me feel at home, like old friends I meet again. My dad was rummaging through stuff and came up with the list of my old boyfriends. The one he used to commemorate them on my wedding day. I had to smile, listening to the names, and realizing I’m back in touch with a number of them through facebook. And realizing that I can’t remember the last names of a number of others. And realizing that I’ve known my husband now for longer than I havn’t known him.
Now that truly makes me feel old.
I bought a kilo of dates in the store today and have been thinking about cookies. I remember last year I made some cookies for my international friends and am pondering doing the same this year. It’s an american sentiment, I believe, baking cookies for Christmas and handing them out. One I like though!
Freshly baked anything is somewhat of a rarity here. But baking is my creative outlet.
Maybe I will make some for Christmas Eve, which we will spend at my parents. I think there should be at least one or two who will appreciate it!
Have I mentioned that Christmas and New Years will be spent without my girlie? She’s in Hungary, visiting her boyfriends family. It’s an odd feeling, not having her around.
And have I mentioned that we have a new girlie in the house? A friend in need, who will be sleeping here for a couple of nights a week while she follows therapy for her eating disorder at a clinic here in my town. It feels good to have her here. Like I told her once, after she said that she feels at home here; “You make our home more of a home with your prescence”. And it’s true. Having a guest, even a live-in guest, often brings out the best in all of us.
And there’s so much more to tell. It’s been a busy busy while since I’ve written here.
Maybe there will be more to tell tomorrow.
At some point in the past I’m sure I’ve blogged about hospitality and about how Herman and I like to have people over. That hasn’t happened much since we moved here, almost two years ago. Not as many people coming over, no friends from the kids dropping by, and usually me going for coffee elsewhere, instead of people dropping by here.
This weekend has been one right on the other end of the spectrum, and unexpectedly, I’ve been really enjoying it. I say unexpectedly because sometimes people in the house feel like a claim laid on my time and attention, a claim I don’t always enjoy. But friday one of Hermans “clients” from his work came to spend a night. I was kind of expecting a doped up, mentally unstable type (seeing as Herman works in a therapeutic setting), but this boy was definately on the mend and was fun to have around. The kids ended up staying downstairs to visit instead of fleeing upstairs and all in all it was a good time!
Then yesterday Marinda and I visited a friend of hers, who used to come by. A bit of a troubled girl, a real sweetheart. She appreciated our visit so much and will be dropping by for a weekend soon. And today 4 of Hermans “clients” (for lack of a better word) are dropping by. Not sure what types they will be but I’m more ok with it than I thought. I think I’ve forgotton how rewarding it can be to open up house and home, and most importantly heart (though that is the hardest part for me) to people in need of a bit of hospitality. It really doesn’t take a lot.
Perhaps this is what Herman and I do. No hip dates with hot shot friends at great places to eat, or nights at the movies, or visits to concerts. Maybe it’s just a matter of opening the doors and letting people in, for our house to be a welcoming place to stay a while. And then people will move on and others will come in their place.
Contrary to my expectations, this has turned out to be a somewhat busy week. What with the shopping, the speaking, the working, the cleaning (could hardly let my cleaning lady work while I lounged on the couch, could I??). Tomorrow a trip to Amersfoort to pick up a computer for a friend, a guest who’s staying a night, a trip to Leiden on saturday with my girl, guests on sunday…. Nope, not a peaceful week!
Guess I’ll have to get my rest some other way.
So tonight I’m going to my mother in laws womans bible group (place apostrophe somewhere) to do a presentation about hemophilia. The group is structured around bible study first, done by the pastor, then a short break, followed by a presentation of some sort. Usually somebody showing nature slides, or slides of their recent trip to Israel. The ladies group consists of 70 year old ladies and, according to one person I spoke, has functioned in the same way for the last 40 years.
So I’ve decided to show them a power point presentation. I had to go to the church beforehand so that the caretaker could show me what he had. And they did have all the neccesary equipment. The kind man had not the slightest clue how to set it up, didn’t even know what the various objects were, so I will be called upon to set everything up myself. Which is a challenge, because technical stuff is not my strong suit.
Hopefully all will be well. I’m wearing my new pants. Which should be flung into a fire according to my daughter. And my new coat, of which she approves.
Let’s hope technicalities and the confidence evoked by a pair of pants that actually fit will not fail me tonight.