Sunny desperation

I posted this on facebook:  Sunny day, tinged with desperation. Because it was a beautiful sunny day, I had a friend over, and a lot was in place to enjoy the day despite the cleaning  I had to do.

I’ve been walking a thin fine line between sanity and burn-out, and that line just keeps getting thinner and thinner. I often catch myself out of breath, with headaches. Cars appearing suddenly will give me such a shock that it takes a couple of minutes for me to recuperate. I can’t handle small things going differently. This morning for example.  I had planned to clean the bathroom, only to find my daughter taking a shower. I wanted to get something out of a room and the door was locked. I wanted to leave the house and left my shoes upstairs. Stupid stupid insignificant stuff which just sends me for a loop. I finally ended up crying in my room, calmed down somewhat, emerged to find a huge mess and then started crying again while cleaning toilets and then fled to my room again.

Later that day though I baked an apple pie, and cleaned the house thoroughly with my friend while my hubby fixed stuff in the kitchen. And even later we went out to dinner, which does not happen often in this household!

When things go normally, I’m fine. But when they go out of sync just a bit I feel like I’m drowning.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Sunny desperation

  1. I hope this becomes something you no longer have to do deal with because I can relate to the feeling. Ihave had this similarly for the last few years. I have still a few days now & again when adjusting to life in the Netherlands is rough, and that is usually when I experience it.

  2. lise

    Oh, dear…. Sending over TLC and sanity your way! BTW I am very happy to see you blog again!

  3. Hey didi,
    Nice to read your blog when internet here in Ethiopia permits!
    Be careful with that thin line. I’ve walked that line in the past, only thing that will keep you from falling is radical change first from within…
    Sending over some hugs and a big kiss,
    Your bro,
    Renzo

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