Getting to know oneself

You’d think after 37 years I’d know myself.

Yet there are always new things to discover, or old ones to rediscover. I mentioned in my last post my tendency to repeat myself, to travel in circles. Writing my sister this morning, I was putting some of it into words.

Like when I get a new job, or start a new activity. I jump in, head first and get going. I don’t sit down and write a plan of action. Usually I have a plan in my head and I rush in and get things done. Now I feel I have to excuse myself at least a little by explaining that the last jobs I’ve gotten have all been at places where the function has been vacant for a while, usually a long while. So there’s always a ton of things to do, a backlog of it. So I don’t take the time to sit down and plan, I just hit the floor running. I think it’s part of why people hire me, because I’m a lets get things done kind of person.

Until a month or two later. Or three months in this case. Then I look around and wonder what the hell I’m doing? I find I’m not doing what I should be doing, or not keeping promises, or not preparing properly, or I find there’s no structure in what I’m doing, I’m letting myself be led by the “delusion of the day” as a dutch proverb says. I get disgruntled and even a little bit panicked and wonder if I’ll ever get things sorted again. I doubt my own efficiency, my qualities and have to remind myself that I am capable of doing the job.

I’m in the middle of that phase right now. Slightly flustered, a bit disgruntled, worried and insecure. Worried that my good first impression is rapidly being replaced by question marks by the people I work with.

I need to get myself organized. For today it means I’m going to sort through my work and make priorities. I’m going to write the plan, the one that’s been in been my computer, half written, for a month now. I’m going to get some feedback on how my presentation went the other day. I’m going to GET A GRIP!

Next plan would be to do the same with my personal life. Wish that was as easy!


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